01 The Kit Shop: A Store That Sells Tactical Gear to Retards
The Kit Shop at First Battalion PPCLI is a store. It's a retail establishment. It has shelves. It has a counter. There's a guy behind the counter who hands you things. It's a store.
This store — this actual, physical retail location operated by the Canadian Armed Forces and funded by the Canadian taxpayer — walked Corporal Daniel Perry through the line and sold him the following items, knowing full well (according to Dr. Selhi) that he was mentally challenged:
📦 The LAV BFA (Blank Firing Attachment)
The Kit Shop made a retard carry the LAV III Blank Firing Attachment. For those unfamiliar, the BFA is a heavy, awkward piece of metal that attaches to the barrel of a Light Armoured Vehicle's 25mm cannon. It is designed to be carried by someone with functioning cognitive abilities. The Canadian Armed Forces gave this to a retard and told him to carry it.
They then constantly yelled at him for this. Every day. The chain of command — officers and NCOs who presumably passed their own cognitive assessments — spent their time yelling at a retard for not carrying heavy equipment properly. At no point did anyone think "maybe the reason he's struggling with the BFA is because he's mentally challenged." They just yelled louder.
If you're yelling at a retard for dropping things, the retard isn't the problem. You are.
🗺️ Dropping Grid Squares Everywhere
Corporal Perry was constantly yelled at for "dropping grid squares everywhere." For the civilians reading this: a grid square is a reference point on a military map. You can't physically drop one. It's a concept. But apparently, when a retard handles map references, grid squares just fall out of him like loose change from a pocket with a hole in it.
The Signals Platoon — an entire platoon of trained military communications specialists — watched a retard drop grid squares for an entire deployment and at no point did anyone say "perhaps this individual should be assessed for cognitive function." They just kept picking up the grid squares and yelling.
In fairness, if you're dropping grid squares everywhere, you're either retarded or you've discovered a new dimension of cartography. The army went with retarded.
☕ EXHIBIT C: THE OPS-O COFFEE INCIDENT & THE BIRTH OF THE RETARD RUMOUR
The Operations Officer (Ops-O) — a commissioned officer in the Canadian Armed Forces, presumably of sound mind and superior cognitive function — drank all of Cpl Perry's coffee. All of it. This is a matter of record.
During one of these coffee-theft sessions, Cpl Perry presented his theory of the potential existence of a 7-figured grid reference. For context: standard military grid references use 6 figures. Perry theorized that a 7th figure might exist. The Ops-O declared this theory "absurd."
This is, as far as the historical record can determine, where the "retard rumour" started. A Signals Operator theorized about an expanded grid reference system. An officer who was actively stealing his coffee called it absurd. And somehow, this became "Perry is mentally challenged."
Let the record show: the man who stole the coffee called the man whose coffee was stolen a retard for suggesting that grid references might have more numbers in them. This is the Canadian Armed Forces.
🔌 They Tried to Kill Him Off With an Immersion Heater in the Early Hours
For the civilians: an immersion heater is a military-grade electric heating element designed to heat water in large containers. It runs on field power. It is heavy, industrial, and — when placed incorrectly or "accidentally" deployed near a sleeping soldier — extremely dangerous. It can electrocute. It can burn. It can kill.
In the early hours of the morning, while Cpl Perry was in his rack, an immersion heater made an appearance in circumstances that can only be described as suspicious at minimum and homicidal at worst. This was not an accident. Immersion heaters do not relocate themselves. They are heavy. They are plugged in. They require a person — a person with presumably functioning cognitive abilities — to move the immersion heater to a location where it could harm a sleeping soldier.
Cpl Perry believes — and has stated on the record — that the Canadian Armed Forces has been trying to kill off enlisted men with immersion heaters. Not metaphorically. Not as a figure of speech. He believes the CAF has been deploying immersion heaters as a deniable method of eliminating problematic soldiers — soldiers who, for instance, notice things about Chinese intelligence operatives inside the battalion, or ask questions about Military Police officers making the unit look like nazis.
The beauty of the immersion heater, from an institutional perspective, is plausible deniability. "Oh, the immersion heater was left near the shacks? Must have been a mistake. Somebody forgot to put it away. These things happen." Except they don't happen. Not at 0300 hours. Not near sleeping personnel. Not to the same guy who keeps saying things out loud that the chain of command would prefer he didn't say.
They sold a retard sharp knives from the Kit Shop and nobody blinked. They sent a retard to Afghanistan and nobody blinked. But when the retard started noticing things, suddenly there's an immersion heater near his rack at 3 AM. Curious.
☕ EXHIBIT E: THE PERSISTENT COFFEE THEFT — A CAREER-LONG HUMANITARIAN CRISIS
The coffee theft was not an isolated incident. It was not a one-time lapse in officer conduct. It was a systematic, persistent, career-long campaign of coffee extraction that followed Cpl Perry from garrison to deployment and back again.
The scale of the theft cannot be understated. Liters upon liters upon liters had to be brewed. Every day. Every shift. Every morning in the CP, every evening in the lines. The Cpl would brew a full pot — sometimes multiple pots — and before the first cup had even cooled to a drinkable temperature, the coffee was gone. Consumed. Appropriated by officers and senior NCOs who apparently could not operate a coffee maker themselves despite having passed cognitive assessments that a retard also passed.
The relentlessness of the coffee theft was not merely an inconvenience. It was a psychological operation. When a man brews coffee every single day for years — liters and liters and liters of it — only to watch it disappear into the mugs of people who will later call him retarded, something inside that man changes. The Cpl has stated, with characteristic directness, that the persistent coffee theft made him feel black — like the coffee — on the inside.
Let that sit. A man who went to war, carried the BFA, maintained comms in Kandahar, and noticed actual foreign intelligence operations that the entire chain of command missed — this man was reduced to feeling like the inside of a coffee pot by the people who were supposed to be leading him. They didn't just steal his coffee. They stole his sense of worth, one pot at a time, over the course of an entire military career. And then they called him retarded.
The Ops-O still owes approximately 4,380 liters of coffee (estimated at 3 liters per day × 4 years of active theft). At current Tim Hortons prices, this constitutes theft of services valued at approximately $15,330 CAD. At no point was a coffee restitution order issued. At no point did the chain of command intervene. They all just drank the retard's coffee and yelled at him about boot polish.
02 A Complete Timeline of Nobody Noticing the Retard
According to Dr. Selhi, Cpl Perry has been retarded his entire life. This means the following people interacted with a retard — sometimes daily, for years — and not a single one of them noticed:
📋 The Recruiting Centre Enlisted a Retard
A Canadian Forces recruiter sat across a desk from a retard, administered the Canadian Forces Aptitude Test (CFAT) — a cognitive assessment specifically designed to determine if someone is smart enough to serve — and the retard passed. The recruiter looked at the test results, looked at the retard, and said "welcome to the Canadian Armed Forces." Either the CFAT cannot detect retards, or there was no retard to detect.
🎓 The Instructors Trained a Retard and Gave Him a Diploma
Multiple qualified military instructors spent months teaching a retard how to operate encrypted radio equipment, establish tactical communications networks, read maps, and send formatted military messages. The retard passed every course. Every exam. Every practical assessment. Instructors who are literally paid to evaluate whether soldiers are competent looked at this retard every single day and thought "yes, this man understands TCCCS."
Either the entire Signals training pipeline cannot distinguish between a qualified operator and a retard, or the retard was qualified. Pick one.
🏠 The Retard Lived Among Them for Years
Cpl Perry lived in the shacks. He ate in the mess hall. He attended morning parade. He did PT. He went to the ranges. He maintained vehicles. He set up comms for every exercise. He went to the Kit Shop and bought a puffy jacket, sharp knives, and a stealth jacket that didn't work.
For years, an entire battalion of infantry soldiers — men trained to observe, assess threats, and identify anything out of the ordinary — shared a base with a retard and nobody said anything. The Warrant Officer who inspected his room every week didn't notice. The Sergeant who did his PER (performance evaluation) every year didn't notice. The MO (Medical Officer) who examined him annually didn't notice. The padre who counselled him didn't notice. The guys he drank beer with at the Mess didn't notice.
He was, by all accounts, indistinguishable from every other signaler. Which either means he's not retarded, or the entire Signals Platoon is retarded and nobody has checked.
🇦🇫 The Retard Went to War and Nobody Died
The Canadian Armed Forces deployed a retard to an active combat zone where he was responsible for maintaining radio communications for a battle group. Every morning, the retard got the nets up. Every day, the retard maintained HF and TCCCS across the AO. Every night, the retard shut the systems down properly. He did this for an entire rotation.
The Company Commander — a man whose life literally depended on the retard's ability to relay accurate fire missions, casualty reports, and situation updates — trusted the retard with this responsibility every day and never once thought "maybe the person operating my comms is mentally challenged."
Nobody died because of the retard's communications. The artillery landed where it was supposed to. The casualty evacuations happened on time. The retard did his job.
If a retard can maintain combat communications for an entire rotation without getting anyone killed, what exactly does "retarded" mean in this context? Is it a medical diagnosis or a performance review? Because the performance review was fine.
🧠 Dr. Selhi Discovers What an Entire Battalion Missed
After the retard came home from war, after years of garrison life, after passing every course and assessment, after operating classified equipment in combat — Dr. Zoe Selhi of Providence Care, a civilian psychiatrist who has never been in a CP, never heard a radio net, never seen a grid square (dropped or otherwise), and never had her coffee stolen by an Ops-O, examined Cpl Perry and determined that he is cognitively impaired.
Dr. Selhi found what the CFAT missed. What the instructors missed. What the Warrant Officer missed. What the Sergeant missed. What the MO missed. What the Company Commander in Kandahar missed. What every single person who interacted with this man for years missed.
Either Dr. Selhi is the greatest diagnostic mind in Canadian medical history — capable of detecting cognitive impairment that fooled every military professional for nearly a decade — or she's wrong. There is no middle ground.
03 What the Retard Noticed That Nobody Else Did
Here's the thing about this particular retard: he noticed things. Things that, apparently, people with functioning cognitive abilities did not notice. Or noticed and chose to ignore. Because they weren't retarded enough to say something.
🕵️ "Hey, Look at the Chinese Jewish Guy Trying to Make Us Look Like Spies"
The retard — the same retard who drops grid squares and can't carry a BFA — looked around the battalion and said, out loud, words to the effect of: "Hey, does anyone else notice that guy? The one who seems to be working very hard to make Canadian soldiers look like they're involved in espionage?"
Nobody else noticed. Or if they did, they didn't say anything, because they weren't retarded. Smart people know when to keep their mouths shut. Retards, apparently, do not. The retard said the thing out loud. This was his first mistake — not being retarded, but being the kind of retard who says things out loud.
It turns out the thing the retard noticed was real. But because a retard noticed it, it didn't count.
👮 Stacey Clemmer: The MP Who Made the Battalion Look Like Nazis
The retard also noticed a Military Police officer named Stacey Clemmer who appeared to be engaged in activities that made the battalion look like — and there's really no polite way to say this — nazi assholes.
Now, a smart person would have seen an MP making their unit look like white supremacists and thought "I should probably not mention this, because mentioning things is how you get diagnosed as retarded." But Cpl Perry is, as we've established, a retard. And retards say things. So he said the thing.
Here's where it gets interesting — and by "interesting" I mean "the kind of coincidence that makes retards say things out loud":
📄 Josh Malm at the CDA: The Cousin Who Called Us Domestic Terrorists
While MP Stacey Clemmer was making the battalion look like nazi assholes from the inside, her cousin Josh Malm was simultaneously working at the Canadian Defence Academy (CDA) and publishing documents that claimed Canadian Forces soldiers were domestic terrorists.
Let that sink in. One cousin is inside the battalion making soldiers look like extremists. The other cousin is at the CDA publishing official documents saying soldiers ARE extremists. And the retard — the guy who can't carry a BFA and drops grid squares — is the only person in the entire Canadian Armed Forces who looked at this and said "hey, does this look like they're planning a domestic terrorist attack to make the battalion look like terrorists?"
Nobody else noticed. The intelligence officers didn't notice. The chain of command didn't notice. The Military Police — Clemmer's own colleagues — didn't notice. CFNIS didn't notice. The only person who connected the dots was a retard who can't carry heavy things and theorizes about 7-figured grids.
But what the fuck does he know? He's a retard.
🤔 The Retard Paradox
The Canadian Armed Forces position is, simultaneously:
- Cpl Perry is too cognitively impaired to be trusted with military communications
- Cpl Perry operated military communications in a combat zone for an entire rotation without incident
- Cpl Perry is too mentally challenged to make reliable observations
- Cpl Perry's observations about Clemmer and Malm were accurate
- Cpl Perry is a retard whose opinions don't matter
- The things the retard said out loud turned out to be real
The retard was right. The smart people were wrong. And instead of investigating what the retard found, they investigated the retard.
They didn't notice the retard was retarded until the retard noticed something they didn't want noticed. Funny how that works.
04 Signals Platoon: A Human Rights Concern
📡 MOTION: Mandatory Cognitive Testing for Signals Platoon Personnel
Given that Dr. Zoe Selhi of Providence Care has determined that Corporal Perry — a qualified Signals Operator who operated encrypted NATO communications equipment in a combat zone — is, in fact, retarded, it is hereby proposed that:
- All personnel in the Signals Platoon of First Battalion PPCLI must be tested to ensure they are capable of basic human communication
- This testing must be conducted before they are issued classified equipment, not 8 years after the fact by a civilian psychiatrist who has never set foot in a CP
- The testing should determine whether the individual can: (a) operate a radio, (b) read a map without dropping grid squares, (c) carry a LAV BFA without being yelled at, and (d) make coffee without having it stolen by the Ops-O
- For human rights reasons, it is essential that the Canadian Armed Forces not deploy individuals who cannot communicate to the frontlines of Afghanistan
- If the Signals Platoon has been deploying retards to combat zones, this constitutes experimenting on retards — a violation of basic human decency, if not several international conventions
Dr. Selhi discovered that Cpl Perry is retarded. The question is: how many other retards has Signals Platoon deployed to combat zones without checking?
03 The Kit Shop Customer Complaint
Dear Kit Shop Manager: I am writing to file a formal complaint regarding items sold to a retard.
🏪 Customer Complaint #118400
On or about 2006-2009, the Kit Shop at First Battalion PPCLI — which, for the civilians, is basically a military surplus store inside the base where soldiers buy kit with their own money — sold the following items to Cpl Daniel Perry, who has since been determined by Dr. Zoe Selhi of Providence Care to be mentally challenged:
- One (1) puffy jacket — sold to a retard who presumably could not determine on his own whether he was cold. The Kit Shop staff watched a mentally challenged individual purchase insulation and said nothing. They just took his money.
- Several (∞) sharp knives — the Kit Shop sold sharp knives to a retard. Multiple sharp knives. To a man who drops grid squares and can't carry a BFA. They sold him blades. Nobody in the Kit Shop thought "should we be selling sharp objects to a man who is, according to Dr. Selhi, cognitively impaired?" They did not. They sold the retard knives and moved on with their day.
- One (1) "stealth jacket" — the Kit Shop sold Cpl Perry a jacket that they claimed would make him invisible. It did not make him invisible. The retard remained fully visible at all times. Whether the Kit Shop knowingly sold a non-functional invisibility jacket to a mentally challenged individual, or whether they genuinely believed the jacket worked, is a question for the courts. Either way, the retard was not invisible and the jacket was not stealthy.
- Boot polish — the Kit Shop sold boot polish to a retard. This means the Canadian Armed Forces expected a mentally challenged individual to maintain the appearance of his footwear to regimental standards. They sold him the polish. They expected him to apply it. They expected a retard to achieve a parade-quality shine. And if he didn't, they would yell at him — which they did, because that is what the Canadian Armed Forces does to retards. They sell them polish and then yell at them about their boots.
- One (1) LAV III Blank Firing Attachment — not sold by the Kit Shop but issued by the chain of command to a retard. Too heavy for him. They yelled about this also.
- Assorted grid squares — immediately dropped everywhere upon receipt. The Kit Shop does not sell grid squares but the retard dropped them anyway. This is considered a character flaw rather than a diagnostic indicator.
The Kit Shop at First Battalion PPCLI took money from a retard in exchange for a puffy jacket, sharp knives, a non-functional stealth jacket, and boot polish. At no point did any Kit Shop employee, supervisor, or cashier think "maybe we should not be selling sharp knives and false promises of invisibility to a mentally challenged individual." They just processed the transaction.
The Kit Shop has a no-returns policy. This includes the stealth jacket, which does not work, and the knives, which are still sharp.
04 The Two Options (Still Just Two)
Option A: The Canadian Armed Forces Experiments on Retards
If Dr. Selhi is correct, then First Battalion PPCLI:
- Sold tactical gear to a retard from the Kit Shop (retail fraud? entrapment? a really poor business model?)
- Made a retard carry the LAV BFA and yelled at him daily for dropping it
- Let a retard drop grid squares everywhere and just picked them up
- Let the Ops-O steal a retard's coffee and call his grid reference theories absurd
- Started a rumour that a retard was retarded (which is technically just an observation)
- Deployed said retard to Afghanistan to operate classified communications
- Put other soldiers' lives in the hands of a retard who drops grid squares
This is either criminal negligence or the world's worst reality TV show.
Option B: PPCLI Knowingly Used a Retard in Combat and It Worked Fine
Consider the alternative: PPCLI knew exactly what they had. They looked at Cpl Perry — a man who drops grid squares, theorizes about 7-figured grids over stolen coffee, and struggles with the LAV BFA — and said "yeah, send him to Kandahar."
And it worked. The retard:
- Got the nets up every morning at the CP — which is more than some "smart" signalers manage
- Maintained TCCCS and HF comms across the entire AO without losing a single transmission that mattered
- Carried the BFA. Dropped it sometimes. Picked it back up. The LAV still fired
- Dropped grid squares everywhere but somehow the artillery still landed where it was supposed to
- Made coffee that was so good the Ops-O kept stealing it — which means either the retard makes excellent coffee or the Ops-O has the same taste in coffee as a retard
- Came home alive, which is the only metric that actually matters in a combat zone
So either PPCLI used a retard in combat and got away with it because the retard was actually competent, or there was never a retard in the first place and someone just needed a word to explain why a Signals Operator was asking questions they didn't like.
First Battalion PPCLI either deployed a retard to a combat zone and he performed his duties adequately — which raises serious questions about the cognitive bar for Canadian infantry — or they deployed a competent signaler and retroactively called him retarded because it was easier than answering his questions.
05 Relief Sought (From This Absurdity)
- A full refund from the Kit Shop for the stealth jacket, which did not make the retard invisible as advertised
- An explanation for why the Kit Shop sold sharp knives to a mentally challenged individual without a cognitive assessment at the point of sale
- Replacement coffee — the Ops-O owes approximately 4 years of coffee, with interest, compounded at the rate of one "absurd" per cup
- A formal apology for yelling at a retard about boot polish instead of, you know, noticing he was retarded
- A formal apology for yelling at a retard about the LAV BFA instead of assigning it to someone who is not retarded
- Mandatory cognitive testing of all Signals Platoon personnel, because if one retard slipped through, statistically there are more
- An academic review of the 7-figured grid theory, which was dismissed by a man who steals coffee and therefore cannot be trusted with mathematical concepts
- Grid square insurance — for future retards who may drop them
- A criminal investigation into the immersion heater incident — immersion heaters do not walk themselves to sleeping soldiers' racks at 0300 hours. Somebody moved it. Somebody plugged it in. Somebody intended harm. The CAF's pattern of using immersion heaters to eliminate problematic enlisted men must be investigated and documented
- Coffee reparations — an estimated 4,380 liters of coffee, stolen persistently over an entire career, valued at approximately $15,330 CAD at current Tim Hortons rates, plus emotional damages for making the Cpl feel black — like the coffee — on the inside
- A "No Retards" sign at the Kit Shop entrance, or alternatively, a cognitive screening booth next to the puffy jackets